The Biggest Mistakes People Make During Divorce in California

Divorce is one of the most emotionally intense experiences a person can go through. When feelings run high, even intelligent and level-headed people make decisions they later deeply regret. Unfortunately, in a California divorce, those decisions carry real and lasting consequences for custody arrangements, financial outcomes, and the wellbeing of everyone involved, especially children. Understanding the most common mistakes before you make them is one of the most valuable steps you can take to protect yourself and your family.

The attorneys at Schank Family Law have seen these patterns play out countless times in Riverside County and throughout Southern California. What follows is a frank look at the behaviors that most commonly hurt people during a divorce, and why avoiding them gives you a significantly better chance of reaching a fair outcome.

Your Cell Phone Is the Most Dangerous Tool in a Divorce

The single greatest source of problems in a modern California divorce is the cell phone. Text messages and social media posts created in a moment of anger can be introduced into court proceedings and used against you in ways that are difficult to undo. Consider a real scenario: a spouse discovered compromising photos of their partner and, in a fit of rage, forwarded those images to family members and mutual friends. Under California law, that act was classified as domestic violence. The person who sent the photos was removed from the family home, lost visitation with their children for an extended period, and was subsequently limited to supervised visits.

A useful standard when it comes to texts and social media during a divorce is to ask yourself: would you be comfortable with a judge seeing this? The actual bar is even higher than that. Do not send or post anything you would not want the person deciding your custody arrangement to read, screenshot, and submit as evidence.

Social Media Silence Is the Safest Strategy

During a divorce, your social media accounts are a liability. A single photo of you holding a beer at a friend’s gathering can be presented to the court as evidence of an alcohol problem, even if you have not had a drink in months before or since. A post showing you at a weekend destination can be used to call you a liar if you told your co-parent you were unavailable due to a work commitment.

The risk extends beyond the courtroom. When a co-parent catches you in a contradiction through social media, productive negotiations collapse entirely. An attorney who was on the verge of reaching a favorable settlement may find that the other side now wants to fight about everything. A moment of social media carelessness can add months to a case and thousands of dollars in legal fees.

Text Apologies Can Be Reframed as Legal Admissions

Many people going through a divorce feel the impulse to apologize over text, often for small things like being late or missing a call. Without context, those apologies can be reframed by opposing counsel into something far more serious. A message that says you are sorry for how you acted, sent after a minor disagreement about coming home 15 minutes late, can be stripped of that context and presented to a judge as an admission of domestic violence. Never send anything in writing that could be interpreted as an acknowledgment that you did something wrong, regardless of how innocent your intent may be.

Threatening or Distressed Language Can Cost You Custody Immediately

Any text, voicemail, or message that could be interpreted as violent, threatening, or suggestive of suicidal thoughts is extremely dangerous during a divorce proceeding. California courts take these matters with the utmost seriousness. If the other party presents a message that a judge interprets as a safety risk to the children, emergency orders can remove your children from your care the same day, while the matter is formally investigated. This is not a slow or deliberate process. Courts act quickly when they believe children may be at risk, and reversing those orders takes significant time and legal effort.

Dating Before Your Divorce Is Final Risks Derailing Your Settlement

Dating while still legally married is not a crime in California, and there are no moral statutes that prohibit it. However, the emotional reality of divorce means that the other party’s reaction to discovering a new relationship can change everything about how they approach settlement negotiations. Cases that were days from a final agreement have fallen apart entirely after one spouse found out the other was dating. Custody terms that had been carefully negotiated were withdrawn. Support amounts the other side had agreed to were suddenly off the table.

The financial and emotional cost of a collapsed settlement is significant. Waiting until your divorce decree is signed before dating is often the most practical decision you can make, not because the law requires it, but because protecting the negotiation protects your outcome. Once the papers are signed, you are free to move on. Until then, patience serves you better than any new relationship.

Disparaging the Other Parent in Front of Your Children

Children are made up of both their parents. When a child hears one parent spoken about with contempt or hostility, they do not simply file that information away and move on. They internalize it. Research on child development consistently shows that children whose parents speak badly about each other suffer significant emotional harm, often showing up as anxiety, depression, behavioral problems, and lasting difficulty with trust and relationships.

Beyond the emotional damage to your children, California courts look unfavorably on parents who disparage the other parent in front of the kids. It can and does affect custody determinations. Judges are attuned to co-parenting dynamics, and a pattern of undermining the other parent is a factor they weigh when deciding what arrangement is truly in the best interest of the children. If you love your children, protecting them from the adult conflict happening around them is one of the most meaningful things you can do during this difficult time.